Tuesday, May 26, 2009

At a crossroads in life...

It seems that a blogger I follow has sent readers my way and I'm considering it a direct challenge to get some new posts up ASAP. Now might be a good time to explain my changing status. I've worked part-time and been a stay-at-home-NOT-mom on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a little over three years. Work has gotten harder and harder for me and today the wheels were set in motion for my retirement. Yes, retirement. At the ripe old age of 37. Before my mom, dad, stepfather, etc. I've made several broad, sweeping statements to my husband that really have little to do with the situation but they're how I'm creeping up to it and trying to think about it in my own mind. Tonight I declared that I won't wear stretchy pants (my term for yoga pants, sweats or, on a really bad day, pajamas) every day. I've also spent a lot of time thinking about the temperature in our condo and the fact that we don't have air conditioning. We live in San Francisco. It's not really about the stretchy pants or the lack of A/C in our place. I'm trying to understand a difficult situation, unmedicated, and the understanding comes slowly in fits and spurts. Sometimes it doesn't come at all. It's another increment and a loss that probably happened some time ago (seen one of my cover letters lately? how about a spreadsheet?) but I'm mourning it now and it's bringing up everything I've lost. I miss marathon shopping sessions with my mom. I miss driving 90 mph in my TT up and down 280. Oddly enough, I miss working overtime all weekend and then blowing the money on a new purse or boots.

I like where I am now and who I am now but it's really hard letting go of what used to be.

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